Toddler Milestones They Don't Tell You About

Eating solid food, walking, talking—everyone knows about these milestones. But there are critical stages in toddler development that the books don’t talk about. Fortunately, for any parents-to-be about there, I have outlined these missing stages below that my youngest son Drew is going through. You can thank me later.

Begging at the Grocery Store

This is one of those milestones that can be confusing for parents. I’ve heard parents of newborns say that their children exhibit this ability because their children cry vigorously while shopping, earning some impressive stares from other shoppers. Labeling this behavior as “begging at the grocery store,” however, is like calling “chewing on toys” the same thing as “eating solids.”

True begging at the grocery store is specific, and I’m happy to say that Drew has been exhibiting this ability for a few months now. A brightly packaged item is spotted, an immediate desire is formed, and a full-fledged physical effort to obtain the desired item ensues. This behavior can include, but is not limited to, reaching from the cart, unbuckling the seatbelt and standing up, whining, begging, and knocking other items off the shelves. If your child is doing these things, you can sigh with gratitude that your child is developing normally.

Elmo Infatuation

There’s something about those big, round eyes, that silly orange nose, and that friendly red face that submits subliminal messages to your child once he reaches a certain age. Those messages activate the Elmo receptors in the brain, causing a child who had no interest in this strange creature the day before to develop an instant, irrevocable infatuation.

My son Drew has reached the Elmo-infatuation stage of development—a full two months ahead of his average peers. It goes without saying that we are pleased beyond belief and have posted his exceptionality on Facebook. Most days, he maintains a death grip on Elmo for 15-20 minutes. His advancement in the death grip area balances out our concern about the fact that he makes monkey noises when he sees Elmo. We can understand his species confusion here, because really, what is Elmo anyway?

Collapsing on the Floor in a Fit of Despair

This is a milestone that is shockingly overlooked in printed books and on the web. I’ve seen toddlers as old as two years old still resorting to simple crying when they don’t get their way. I’m often tempted to point it out to the parents—have they talked to their pediatrician? Have they considered seeing a collapsing-on-the-floor-in-a-fit-of-despair (COTFIAFOD) therapist? But, I don’t want to make them feel bad because of my own child’s giftedness.

Drew has recently mastered COTFIAFOD. For those of you wondering if your child is doing it yet or not—those first few times can often be ambiguous—keep in mind that rolling on the floor alone is not sufficient. It’s important that he begins in a standing position and then allows all muscles to give way at once in proper wet-noodle form, thus achieving a true collapse.

Nose-picking

Nose-picking is an underrated skill in modern, civilized society. Especially since some scientists think it’s an instinct that evolved to boost your immune system. Fortunately, our little ones seemed to be hard-wired to achieve this developmental milestone. It usually comes shortly after the COTFIAFOD milestone, or sometimes in tandem. Experienced parents will tell you that it is the combination of these two milestones that signals the end of babyhood. We’re up to 3-4 boogers per day consumed, almost making it Drew’s favorite food (second only to milk, of course). Not that we’re bragging.

Pointless Fighting with Your Sibling

Early “fighting with your sibling” may begin as young as eight to nine months old. These fights, however, often arise out of some real—or at least perceived as real—conflict. What differentiates this toddler milestone from earlier examples is the pointlessness.

Your brother happens to be standing next to you, so you pop him on the head. He’s asleep on the couch, so you climb on top of him. You find yourself with a foam sword in your hand, so you give him a good whack. Not for any reason. Not out of anger. Just because you can. Whenever I see Drew give Jake a good pop on the head, I admit I get a little teary-eyed. He’s growing up so fast.

Did I miss any critical milestones neglected in the parenting handbooks? Feel free to add them below.

Lesser known sleep advice for children

Everyone thinks that people like Dr. Marc Weissbluth, Dr. Richard Ferber, and Dr. Sears are among the experts of sleep advice for babies and children. Well, here in the Langdon household we like to make our own rules.

The other day Jacob accidentally took a nap in the car while we were out running errands. (Dr. Weissbluth would say that if your kids fall asleep in the car it means they are overtired -- so we're already in dangerous territory here). Now, Jacob stopped taking naps about a year ago, so of course that night he didn't want to go to bed.

For awhile, we played whack-o-mole with him. He would pop out of his bed. We would put him back in. Usually his appearances would come with some sort of feeble explanation. "I need a book to look at." "I need another book to look at." "My water cup is empty." "My blanket is on the floor."

Perhaps at this point, we should have given up. But, still, we persevered! All those birthday parties at Chuck E Cheese's growing up had to pay off somehow, right? So we whacked our little mole back into bed a few more times until finally he came up with this one: "Can I have breakfast early?"

Now, this was around 10 pm. Andy and I just looked at each other and laughed. And that's when we pulled out the getting-your-kid-to-sleep big guns. Oh yeah. We're talking major parenting strategy here.

"Are you hungry, Jacob?" Andy asked.

"Mm hmm. I want pancakes," he said, coming downstairs with us. "Or actually, maybe I want chicken nuggets."

"Do you want me to take you to McDonalds?" I asked. Am I a sleep nazi or what?

"Uh huh."

So we got in the car and drove to McDonalds. On the way there we played red light green light (we'll leave that explanation for another post). On the way back I told Jacob sleep stories from when he was younger.

"Do you know that when you were a newborn you hated riding in the car?" I said to him. "You would scream every time we drove anywhere. So the first time we took you to Brown Grandma's house, we left  at 2:30 in the morning just to make sure you would sleep on the way!"

"Tell me another story about when I was a baby."

"Well, one time when you were about Drew's age, you woke up late at night and didn't want to go back to sleep. Daddy and I tried for hours to get you to go back to sleep, but you just kept crying. We thought it was no fun being awake in the middle of the night at home, so we took you to iHop, which was a lot more fun."

"Tell me another story about when I didn't want to sleep."

"Well, that same year when you were about Drew's age there was another night you didn't want to sleep. I had taken you out to the sunroom to play with you until you got tired. And as we were playing, we heard a noise tapping on the window. I was nervous because I didn't know what the noise was. So we went to the window and checked and saw that it was just cicadas crashing into the window!"

"Now tell me a story about when I was two."

"When you were two, we moved you into your big boy bed, but we weren't sure if you needed bed rails or not. So we decided to let you try to sleep without the bed rails. Well, one night I heard a loud thump. I was wondering what it was, so I went to check on you and guess where you were? You were on the floor! You had fallen right out of bed and were sleeping on the floor with your blankie."

"Now tell me a story from when I was three."

"Okay, this is a story from when you were almost three. We were taking a trip to Chicago and we had brought the pack n play with us for you to sleep in. We were worried about letting you sleep in the big bed at the hotel because we thought you would fall out. When we set up the pack n play, though, you were so sad about not getting to sleep in the big bed. And you had big tears in your eyes and said, 'Maybe I just try the big bed?' So we let you and you loved it! And you didn't fall out all night."

By this time we had arrived home and Jacob and I went back in the living room where Andy was waiting. Andy got the chicken nuggets out of the bag and handed them to Jacob. Jacob took one little nibble and then just sat on the couch starting to zone out.

"Are you tired, Jacob?" I asked.

"Mm hmm."

"Just finish up your chicken nuggets then and we'll go to bed," Andy said.

"Actually, I'm not very hungry yet. Let's save them for later," Jacob said.

We laughed, put the food in the fridge, and the kiddo to bed. So there you have it. A step-by-step plan for getting your kid to sleep, courtesy of the Langdons.

What's your most unusual sleep strategy?

Games You Can't Buy on Amazon

Jacob and Drew have really started to play well together (when they're not fighting, of course). They have made up a few games they like to play together that maybe aren't the kind of games you can buy on Amazon.com. In case you or your kids want to try these, I have outlined the rules below:

Blanket
In this game, one person (preferably the older child) steals the most treasured blankie in all the world from the younger child and makes off with it. The younger child, rather than throwing a fit, is supposed to chase the older child around the house and try to get the blankie back. (For a variation, try playing this game with a sippy cup of milk instead. We call this game "Milk.")

Carrot
Similar to "Blanket," the game of "Carrot" is a keep-away-style game, but played on a smaller scale. You will need a bowl of baby carrots and a chair with holes in the back (like a wicker chair). To play, the older child pokes baby carrots through the holes in the back of the chair and then quickly withdraws the carrots before the younger child is able to retrieve them from the other side. (Think whack-o-mole.)

Closet
This game can be played with two or more children. The older child lures the younger child into a closet in the house and then closes the door on both of them. At a random point, the older child will open the door and both children will burst into laughter at the hilarity of it. Repeat until somebody pinches a finger or gets hit in the head in the dark. The winner is the one who isn't crying.

I'm sure your family will love playing these games as much as mine.